Because it would be one of our last chances for some real down-time with each other, Whitney & I got together tonight and watched a few episodes of LOST while the rest of the family was out of the house. I think we only actually wound up watching two episodes…we spent a great majority of the time talking. In general “girl talk” type stuff. Whitney is really stressing on whether to move back to Asheville after she graduates…and, well, I’m just stressing over a very cherished and dear friendship potentially lost.

I confided something in Whitney tonight that I hadn’t admitted to anyone (even myself) yet.

“I think I’ve really lost him. I feel like the person that I knew is completely gone from me forever. Like…I’m beginning to realize that I really, truly may never know him like I did before.”

She sighed and was quiet for a long time…and then simply said “Yeah.”

I have felt the pains of a broken heart before, I think…but never quite like this. In the past it seemed to just fully shatter upon impact. But this time…throughout the past few weeks, it’s just been slowly, painfully torn to pieces. I feel like I’m clinging to something that was no more than a happy dream…and that my fingers are slowly being pried apart and I’m losing my grip upon it and coming to realize that I’d only been clutching at air this whole time.

It hurts.

A text message conversation I had didn’t help my happy delusions either…

Change of plans. Find ushers Friday.

…this is exhausting me!

But he did mention someone else getting the tix.

Good lord…am I really going to have to deal with all this? Fates, I hate this! We are going to see each other eventually. Hiding from him is breaking my heart!

I know. And him being a huge baby about it is good for no one.

The thing that sucks about all this is that I really did care about him. Really. I don’t know who this man is right now. I don’t understand any of this.

You ain’t lyin’, jack.

I keep thinking I should just talk to him but I promised I would let him make the first call. This is just so ridiculous. Oh I hope you are ready for veronica’s room.

I most certainly am. It will be good for both of us.

You have a very good point there. Im just ready for him to get back to the man he was….for all of our sake!

I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally & even physically drained from all of this.

Whitney has heard me reference this scene at least a hundred times – but it’s the best mental image that I have of how I feel at points in my life (like now). It’s a scene from “Fiddler On The Roof” – right before they go into the Intermission. The ‘bad guys’ have just come through and trashed the Jewish wedding being held and all of the family is beginning to pick up all the pieces and stuff…and in the center of it all, Tevye is just standing there…and the expression on his face says it all. He just turns his eyes heavenward and holds out his arms in a “Why?” sort of fashion…

…and he just looks so fully lost & broken.

I think I’m feeling rather Tevye-ish at the moment.