Last night was, by far, the worst rehearsal I’ve had throughout this Hamlet experience.

And I’m pretty sure that it all started with a text message that I got…

I was on my way over to Brent’s house when I received a text message from Ames. Naturally, I was excited since it was more-or-less the first time he’s contacted me since he left…but the message was something very odd.

“Another day gone by that you haven’t done what I told you.”

I sat out in my car for the longest time and just stared at the phone, trying to puzzle through what he could possibly mean by that. Everything he has asked of me, I have done. I have bent over backwards and put myself out on a line just to do what he told me to. I auditioned for Kinder when I didn’t want to… I changed my major when I was terrified of what that might do to my future… I auditioned for Hamlet and accepted the role of Ophelia, even though I was really uncertain about it at first… I headed up a group of students to work towards finding a new acting professor. Over and over again I have taken the small pieces of advice or “direction” that he’s fired my way…only to have this?

I had no idea what he was on about so I went inside the house. I told Brent about the text and he had no more idea than I did what Ames was referencing…so as we walked out to the car, I decided to text him back.

“What on earth could you possibly be talking about? I have done practically everything you’ve told me to!”

A few minutes later I got a text back…

“Leave Mobile!”

That’s where my night began its steady and harsh spiral downward.

Suddenly I began to think. Realizing that he was right. Hurting because I knew he was right. Scared because I knew he was right. That if I am truly going to go after my dreams…I’m going to have to leave Mobile behind. I’m going to have to leave friends…leave family…leave this city that has been my home all my life…and persue them.

I know what I want now. More than anything in the world, I want to be a part of a Shakespearean Theatre Company. That’s what I want. But, as there is no such established enterprise here in Mobile…I’m going to have to leave.

That thought is such a heartbreaking and terrifying one.

I miserably picked up my phone and texted him back.

“I’m working on it! I promise. I have put everything else in my life on hold right now so that I can get there.”

A moment later, another text came back…

“K.”

I threw my cellphone in the floorboard of the car and rode for a time, desperately trying not to cry. I felt strangely angry. I just wanted to scream and yell and cry. My heart was telling me ‘You’ll never be enough. You’ll never be able to please him. You’re just disappointing him right now.’ while another part of my psyche was angrily, bitterly fuming ‘Who does he think he is to have any say over my life whatsoever? He’s the one that left me! How dare he think he has that kind of right anymore. Why should I care what he says?’

But the unfortunate thing is, I did care… I cared alot. Because I knew he was right.

A few minutes later, I picked my phone back up and sent one last text message for the night.

“In just a few days, I open in Hamlet in the role of Ophelia…and I really, really wish you were here to see it.”

I turned off my phone then and tossed it aside once more. I knew I had to try and focus my thoughts…that there was nothing I could do about them right now so I shouldn’t worry…but all I could do was think.

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

When we got to the theatre, Mike was already there so I demanded that we figure out the Nunnery scene right then. Brent took us onto the stage and showed Mike the way he wanted me to be thrown to the floor. Mike admitted he didn’t understand Hamlet’s motive in the scene, so Brent tried his best to explain it to the both of us.

He explained it as being “tough love”…that Hamlet loves Ophelia, not in a romantic sense, but in a way that he truly cares about her. He wants to see her happy and out of Elsinore, which he had called a “prison”. He doesn’t want her trapped there in this Black Hole. He knows she has better things to aspire to and he wants her to break away and do them. So he says these cruel things to Ophelia in order to get a rise out of her. In order to spur her on to a greater purpose. To make her say “Oh, yeah? Well, I’ll show you!” and go off and be free and live her life. Otherwise, she’s doomed to become just another one of the maidens of the court that amounts to, basically, nothing.

Mike still wasn’t quite sure about what he was saying… but for the first time, I understood.

I completely understood.

“I know this hits kind of close to home tonight,” Brent whispered.

But I shook my head. I didn’t want him to apologize for it. Because for the first time I got it.

I’d like to say this new insight inspired me to perform better – but I fear that just wasn’t the case.

I stumbled over lines. I missed at least one cue. My legs felt really weak and wobbly at one point. I had no other energy save for pent up frustration. Frustration directed towards myself. I had no connection with any of the characters around me. I wasn’t Ophelia by any means…I was Angela, standing on the stage and babbling out lines and just begging for the play to be over.

It’s funny, I’ve mentioned several times that I felt like my Ophelia became very angry in the Nunnery scene and I didn’t know why. But now I’ve finally figured it out. It makes sense to me now.

During intermission, I was out in the lobby talking to Patrick when Brent came out. I mouthed to him an “I’m sorry”. He told me I didn’t need to apologize, but I assured him I did. I was letting my baggage weigh me down and it was affecting not only me but everyone else around me. I was trying to clear my head and focus…but it just wasn’t working. I promised him I’d try and shake it off and do better in the second half.

I’ll admit, the second half did indeed go better. Mostly because it was my madness scenes and I really do have alot of fun with them. That made me feel a little bit better…but I was so ready to just die and be done with the show.

After they finished carrying me out in the coffin, I went into the dressing room & crashed into a hardcore power-nap.

In the end, I felt a little bit better than when I’d started the night. Still thinking too much and a bit frustrated. Brent turned on the “Mahna Mahna” song in the car, which would make even the melancholy Dane smile with glee. Then we listened to a few songs from Avenue Q, which likewise helped to lighten the mood.

By the time we got back to the house, I had calmed down a bit. I ranted some to Brent, which will always help, and confessed that I knew I was being silly…but that I was just entirely torn. And that’s the truth of it!

There’s this song on the Titanic soundtrack called “Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave”. I think that pretty much sums up my entire situation perfectly.

I know what I want. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. I want to go to Alabama Shakespeare Festival and get my M.F.A. in Performance…and I want to join up with a Shakespeare Company. I want to teach and I want to inspire others to the same kind of passion that I have and that I have seen in those I am closest with.

Once I leave college…will I ever be coming home again?